A problem in many conflicts is that neither side feels safe; so both sides fight to protect their needs, which only decreases the safety. Using curious questions in hard conversations can quickly increase the safety for the other person.
For example, let’s say I suggest to my wife that we get the kids to bed earlier, and she responds by saying, “Why don’t you get them to bed, then, if it matters so much to you? I don’t really want them in bed earlier!” Do you notice the defensiveness? There’s obviously more going on beneath the surface. That’s when I turn to curious questions rather than defending my suggestion.
What is a curious question? That depends on the scenario, but in general, here are some suggestions for formulating questions that will increase safety:
- Start your question with What, How, or When rather than Why: “Why” questions often carry a subtle tone of judgment. Rather than asking “Why aren’t you putting the kids to bed on time?” ask “What’s happening that the kids are getting to bed so late?” This sounds less blaming and helps the other person feel safer.
- Make your question open. Asking “Do you need me to give you a hug?” would limit her answers to yes or no. It also implies that I know what she needs. She is the expert on her needs, so it’s much more empowering to ask, “What do you need?” This allows her to create her own answer from endless possibilities with no indication from me what her answer should be.
- Design your questions to draw out what’s beneath the surface in the other person rather than coming up with surface solutions. Questions designed for surface solutions might include, “What could we do so that we agree on a bed time?” or “What if we would take turns putting them to bed so that we each get our turn to get what we want.” The time for those questions comes later. If you miss the deeper needs now, the solution you agree to won’t be satisfactory.
Here are some examples of good curious questions:
- How do you feel right now?
- What are you thinking?
- What do you need?
- What do you want for yourself? For this relationship?
- What’s important to you in regards to __________________ (topic of conversation)?
- What is working and what’s not working in this relationship?
What questions can you think of that would create safety in a hard conversation?
What are other ways to increase safety in a conflict? Feel free to share in the comments.